The Pages of Our Hearts
by Larkawolfgirl
Summary: Their love is mutual, but like puzzle pieces that fit together to form a finished picture, their love is not the same. Character relationship introspections. Sorikai
1. Kairi

When she thinks back on it, Kairi realizes that she has probably loved them both for as long as she can remember. At least she knows that she's loved them for longer than she's known it. One day her love was simply shining in her heart when a moment before it had not, at least not where she could identify it. They have both been dear to her heart ever since the day they found her washed up on the shore and took care of her. Their young, determined faces as they tried to help her find parents that would never be found, the warmth of their hands holding hers as a promise of safety. Perhaps she has loved them since that very moment.

They were always together, practically sewn together at the hip, until that day; the day that tore their peaceful life apart. Yet it was not until she found herself truly apart from them for the first time that she realized just how much they meant to her, and in what way.

Riku had always been her strength. From killing creepy spiders to beating up the older kids who stole her underwear when they went swimming, he was always there to protect her. She'd always seen him as her knight in shining armor. And though his fixation with leaving had changed that imagine to one of obsession, it was soon returned, because even through the hold the darkness had on him, he was still thinking of her—of protecting her—that whole time. Now she's grown out of such childish notions and knows him so much better; she knows that he is far from a shining knights, but that matters little to her. Though he is weak—fragile almost—he is still strong to the point where she can barely contain her adoration. The darkness still takes its toll on him—she can see it in the depths of his eyes and in tiny moments of weakness when he thinks no one is watching and lets himself sink to the ground and hold his head in his hands—but he has never once given in or given up; he holds tight to his chosen path—his own path—a path he has carved out entirely on his own.

He inspires strength in her she never thought she had, an inspiration mirrored by Sora's own. They are both strong, so much stronger than she is, and she knows that she would still try to catch up to them even if she did not long for strength herself simply so that they would view her as an equal. The last thing she wants is to be seen as a damsel in distress; a lovesick maiden, the hero's biggest liability. Before they separated it was easy to ignore the reality of her weakness. Dangers were small and far between. But now they are real possibilities, and she has seen true strength with her own eyes. Watching them swing their keyblades, bodies twisting, sweat collecting on their skin, battle grins forming on their faces, she knows this is what she wants as well. Fighting always seemed a frightful thing—and she is not stupid enough to discount that now—but it is also a self-gratifying experience; to know that you have the power to protect yourself and others.

That is the distinction between them: Riku protects only those he deems worth protecting (primarily the two of them) while Sora protects _everyone_. His goodness stems from his light, a rival to her own purity, and it encourages her that will really can make a difference. She has always wanted to make a difference in the lives of others, but the dream used to feel impossible. Now she knows that she can, not just because of who she is, but because one person can make true change with a pure enough heart and sufficient determination to make it happen. It was because of him that she found her love for healing magic and herbalism.

Because of Riku's status as protector, he always felt further away from her than Sora did. He was the same age, the same height, and had the same carefree spirit. She can still remember fondly the days when Riku would scowl at them angrily for dozing off together instead of doing whatever work they had decided to do that day. After apologizing, they would laugh quietly together as Riku went back to his own work, not sorry in the least. There is an ease to her relationship with him that isn't there with Riku. With Riku she is always somewhat cautious of potentially setting him into a relapse of self-hatred. With Sora there is only pure, unadulterated intimate affection. If Riku is what keeps pushing her to better herself, then Sora is what reminds her that she is perfect as she is already.

Imagining being without either is as devastating as imagining being without both, and this is something she likes to remind them. She needn't to Sora, who would never doubt this in a million years, but each time she says so she can see the emotion welling in Riku's eyes, how necessary the reassurance is for him some days. In a way, he is high-maintenance, but she doesn't mind. He's worth the effort, especially on the nights when he breaks down into the shell of the person she likes to think of him as. On those nights, her arms wrap around his back and her lips kiss the skin of his shoulder, wishing they could serve as a healing balm for everything he still lives through. Sora joins her, and somehow he relaxes, somehow the strain and anguish settles into yearning and he tucks them to his sides as he cries the last of his tears. On these nights she remembers just how much she means to him and any inconvenience she finds in their relationship is rendered meaningless.

She may love them differently, but loving them together is the only way she knows how—and the only way she would ever want to.


	2. Riku

Thinking back, Riku knows that he loved Sora long before meeting Kairi. As a stupid young boy, he loved him as stupid young boys do: aggressively, through taunts and challenges, through races and wrestles. It wasn't until Kairi appeared, a competition, that he realized what it was he felt for his friend. It wasn't until he saw the tenderness she showered on them both—Sora especially—that he realized deep down he wanted to give the other boy that same tenderness.

Thinking back, Riku wanted to smack his younger self. For being jealous, for being blind, for being stupid. There was never a reason to fear she might take him away. Never a reason to not realize Sora felt the same way. Never a reason to seek what lay beyond their Islands when everything he cared for most was already there. To his younger self, Kairi had been in the way, stealing Sora's attentions away from him. While he would jest about having feelings for her, they didn't truly come until later, until he saw her comatose state. It wasn't that he had ever hated her, in fact he liked her. Yet resentment had always lived deep in the bottom of his heart right up until he saw that defenseless state; the state he put her in.

It flipped a switch inside him. His resentment switched to Sora, seemingly lacked any worry. Because Riku loved fiercely, with a narrow focus, and he could not comprehend how Sora could lavish care and regard to so many, nearly equally. This is something he has since come to accept and understand now. Sora is caring per his nature, and to take any bit of it away would be to change Sora completely. But back then, seeing him fraternizing with Donald and Goofy felt like a stab in the back. He was fine, he was happy, even without either of them there. Even when Kairi was so helpless.

Much later, when Sora was asleep and Kairi was safe, he realized just how stupid he had been. Sora never abandoned either of them. He chose Kairi even when he couldn't remember her, and he had only forgotten her for Riku's own sake. It was then he realized how much better Sora was than him, and how much _he_ needed to be protected. For as much as Kairi was defenseless, Sora faced greater danger from his own sacrificing nature. He gave too much to too many far too often.

That realization instilled Riku with a force he had never known. He was used to playing strong, to playing the hero, but deep down he had always known he was weak. Known that Sora was the real strength holding him together. If his strength needed his own strength, than Riku would just have to become it. That was why he chose to watch over him from a distance. Why he chose to sacrifice Roxas even knowing Sora might hate him for it. Why he jumped into Sora's dreamscape without hesitation.

Now that they were home and safe, it was easier to forget. To forget his own wrongdoing, his faults. It was easier to lose himself to Sora and Kairi instead, to the lights that shone on the darkness still resting inside him. He has yet to bring himself to tell them, but what keeps him up into the dead of night is not his past—at least not usually—but his future. He dreams of himself betraying their trust, of falling back to darkness, a deeper, thicker darkness. One he fears he will never escape. But each time he does they hold him, with such gentle care that bittersweet tears fall from his eyes and he can't help but hold them back, telling them silently how much he appreciates them. How much he needs them both.

Because as much as he didn't think he did when they were kids, he does. He needs Sora who isn't afraid of tough love, and he needs Kairi who isn't afraid to bare her entire soul to him if it will make him feel an ounce lighter. They are both pure shining light, but their hues are different and he takes them in differently. He and Sora still wrestle, still tease, but they also converse in deep conversations about what they have gone through, about what almost could have been. There is a shadow that settles over them every so often until Kairi comes and sweeps it away with her never-ending optimism, a trait Riku loves and longs for. But sometimes he needs someone who can share in his negativity. Someone to actually shoulder his burden instead of just brushing it to the side.

Sometimes he wonders if he does not love Kairi enough. If she knows. If just feeling the way he does hurts her. Sora's been etched in his heart longer, they've shared more memories, and they share a connection because of their travels together that she can never have. He wonders and squeezes her hand that much tighter, hoping that someday he can think of a way to make it up for her. To fill in the lost time, the past resentment. A way to tie their hearts closer together than they already are. Because no matter how hard he tries to make it otherwise, and how much he truly loves and needs them both, his love for Kairi is always secondary.


	3. Sora

When Sora stops to think, he realizes that loving is just a part of his nature. He loves all his friends, and makes friends with nearly everyone he meets. He cares about each of them and honestly wants them all to be as safe and happy as can be. Perhaps this was why it took him so long to realize just how much Riku and Kairi meant to him.

By nature, Sora isn't the sort of person who puts one person above another. Riku became his best friend, the person he spent the most time with, the person he told all his secrets. But it just sort became that way before he knew it. Riku chose him as his best friend and would hang around him even when he spent time with other friends. Sora wasn't one to hold secrets in the first place, and it just happened that Sora found it easier to talk to Riku than others.

Actually, Sora was a little relieved when Kairi washed up on shore and turned their duo into a trio. Giving so much attention to Riku and getting so much in return made him feel a bit guilty, and having Kairi join in spread that attention out. If circumstance gave him favorites, at least two spread that favoritism out. And Sora tried his best to treat them as equals, if not the same (because he wasn't about to go around punching Kairi when her back was turned like Riku liked to do to him).

Before that night when darkness swallowed them, he had not wanted their relationship to change. He liked the way they balanced out. If one of them was busy, the other two could hang out together. If he wanted to fight he had Riku. If he wanted to build sandcastles he had Kairi. Riku always made them stop to contemplate big questions like whether or not all the worlds were connected by a single ocean, a single sky. Kairi was always there to make sure they stayed safe. No more jumping off the tallest tree, no more breath-holding contests to the point where their faces would begin to turn blue, no more dares to see which of them would eat the random blob they found on the ground.

Once the world was devoured and he was spit back out, alone, without friends for the first time in his life, the two of them were the only ones he could think of. This sole focus was what made him realize how much he missed them. How much he wanted to see _them_ again. But he still wasn't one to play favorites, so Donald and Goofy soon filled the hole in his heart—except they didn't, not really. Instead they filled a new space they had carved for themselves alone, leaving Kairi and Riku's spot hollow.

Meeting them again was a mess of emotions. Relief that they were safe. Disappointment in Riku's disregard for anyone other than Kairi. Sorrow at Kairi's broken state. Betrayal. Peace. Desperation. He fought so hard to get through all those challenges only to be separated from them both again. And in those parting moments, he realized their feelings for him, the love and trust in their eyes.

It grew like an obsession inside him; he needed to see them again. He needed to be with them again. But Riku was lost, then hiding, and by the time he found him again it was by Kairi's side. They were all different by this point, but Riku more so. His face was a distorted image, but his heart was there, calling to Sora even if his legs were still trying to run. Standing there with their hands touching, their hearts finally joined once again, was when he realized that somehow, from the deepest depths of his heart, he had come to love them more than anyone else.

Even now he loves unconditionally, freely and nondiscriminatory, but he has mastered the art of extending that much more toward them alone, and in different ways. In ways he never thought he would but finds himself enjoying. Kissing along skin, hugging and cuddling, keeping secrets, hopes, and wishes between just the three of them. He finds that he enjoys this change, enjoys having favorites, having two that he can call his.

His relationship with them may still not be exactly the same. He and Riku connect in a way he can't with Kairi—who has never faced a legion of darkness and lived to have nightmares about it, who has never fought him as a mortal enemy—and he and Kairi connect in a way he can't with Riku either—who has never had a nobody, who never forgot Sora existed. He always tried to love equally, but now he is beginning to realize that is both impossible and unnecessary. Each person is unique, and to love them any other way than their own unique way is to demean that. He can love Riku for his perseverance and intensity while loving Kairi for her empathy and understanding. That isn't wrong, it is as it should be. As long as he loves them both with all his heart, in all ways possible, uniquely and unconditionally, he knows that is all they will ever ask of him.


End file.
